Whiskey Leaks // Satire
Please Hire Pete
Whiskey Leaks has received an advance copy of SECWAR Pete Hegseth’s video résumé. Our source, Deep Throat, Neat, delivered it in a parking garage on a thumb drive tucked inside a fake Ranger tab. The source asked for anonymity and a second pour. We had the authority to grant one of those on the spot.
To his credit, Pete can brief without notes. We know because the résumé is right there in his lap and he never once appears tempted to consult it. His command presence is especially impressive for a man whose ice cubes keep interrupting the briefing.
The mission is clear. Check the testosterone. Review the no-shave chits. Establish fire superiority over a beard. At press time, the beard had declined to comment and was believed to be growing.
If you’d hire Pete, tell us for what. We’re compiling the after-action report and could use a laugh.
