MINSK (Molodnaia Pravda Bureau of Public Health, Credential Verification,
and Roadside Procurement Science,
Dmitri reporting, who has been ask to use full title of subject
throughout this dispatch and is already tire) —
Supreme Leader Lukashenko has this week attend, via official state television
which Lukashenko control, the Congressional testimony of
Professor Doctor Robert Francis Kennedy Junior,
Juris Doctor, Raccoon Surgeon (Self-Certified, Highway Campus, 2001),
Bachelor of Roadside Procurement,
Honorary Doctorate in Cetacean Decapitation and Roof Transport
(Minivan University, Massachusetts, year unspecified),
Blender Hawk Nutrition Specialist,
Certified Ivermectin Additive Technician,
Borscht Consultant (Advanced Module, Pending),
and Secretary of Health and Human Services
of United States of America,
who testify before House Education and Workforce Committee
on subject of measles, Tylenol, and why nothing is his fault.
Lukashenko find testimony very relatable.
Lukashenko also find nothing is his fault.
They have this in common.
This is foundation of strong professional relationship.
Supreme Leader Lukashenko, watching testimony on state television, nodding at several point, occasionally saying “yes, correct” and once saying “no, not like that, but close” at moment he will not specify:
“Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior say measles outbreak begin
before he take office.
He say 90 percent of case involve people over five years old
so parents made decision not to vaccinate before he was in charge.
Therefore: not his fault.
Lukashenko want to say: this is excellent reasoning.
In Belarus, Lukashenko also never responsible
for thing that happen before he was in charge.
Also not responsible for thing that happen after.
Also not responsible for thing that happen during,
because those thing were cause by external factor,
foreign interference, or potato.
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior has independently discover
the Belarusian Theory of Clean Record.
Lukashenko is proud.
This man is honorary Belarusian for third time.
Yuri, update paperwork.”
The United States measles outbreak has reach more than 1,700 cases.
Approximately 72 percent are under age 19.
About one in five is under age five.
America is at risk of losing measles elimination status
for first time since year 2000 —
meaning country that had essentially eradicate measles
is now re-establishing it as regular feature of American childhood.
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior, as Secretary of Health,
is person most directly responsible for vaccine policy
and public health communication.
He say outbreak is not his fault.
He say accusation is “not science-based.”
When asked about peer-reviewed study from Denmark
showing no link between Tylenol use in pregnancy and autism,
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior call it
“a garbage study”
that “should be retracted.”
Denmark study is from Denmark,
which has universal healthcare, excellent data,
and one of most rigorous research standards in world.
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior,
who hold law degree and extensive roadside mammal experience,
find Denmark unconvincing.
Lukashenko also find peer-reviewed research unconvincing
when it say thing Lukashenko does not like.
In Belarus this is call
waiting for correct study.
Denmark should reassign study to different institution,
extend deadline, wait for correct answer.
This is Belarusian agricultural science
applied to pediatric medicine.
Lukashenko is flatter by the parallel.
J.D.
Primary health credential
Law degree. Not medicine. Not biology. Not epidemiology. Not anything involving vaccine, measles, or Denmark study. Law degree. In Belarus, Lukashenko also appoint people to health position based on non-medical credential. Agriculture minister once. Result was mixed. Relative to other things.
2001
Highway surgical qualification
Self-certified raccoon organ extraction, Highway Campus, children in car, patient wait patiently. Also: whale decapitation (chainsaw, minivan roof, five hour). Central Park bear disposal (plane to catch). Blended mouse hawk nutrition program. This is more field experience than many Belarusian health official. Some have never held scalpel. Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior has definitely held something.
1,700+
measles cases (not his fault)
90% involve people over 5. Parents decided before he took office. Not science-based accusation. Nothing to do with him. Lukashenko confirm: also nothing to do with Lukashenko. Both men responsible for large public health situation. Neither responsible for large public health situation. This is called leadership. Both have it in great quantity.
0
garbage studies accepted
Denmark study: garbage. Wrong population. Wrong answer. Should be retracted. In Belarus, Lukashenko also reject study that produce wrong answer. New institution find correct answer eventually. Denmark has good data but use it to find wrong thing. This is methodological error. Very common in peer-reviewed science that disagree with Secretary of Health who have raccoon credential.
YURI
Official Anecdotal Evidence Report
Yuri did not vaccinate his children. Personal choice. Natural immunity. Also: Lukashenko position was ambiguous at time and Yuri defer to Lukashenko on most things, this is professional habit. The child who survive is doing very well. Is healthy. Is currently working in bureau, this very bureau, at desk near window. Lukashenko stand by this evidence completely and ask that nobody follow up on question about Yuri other children because Yuri prefer not to discuss and this is respect for Yuri.
★★★
Lukashenko personal endorsement
Third official endorsement. First: raccoon surgery qualifies for health ministry. Second: borscht consultation pending. Third: clean record theory is sound, garbage study methodology is correct, measles is not his fault, and Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior remind Lukashenko of himself in way that is both high compliment and cause for reflection. Yuri has new form. Form is file. Endorsement is official.
ОДОБРЕНО
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior also say at hearing
that families of children who died from measles
were treat like “pariahs” at hospitals
and were not given “proper treatment” —
treatment they would receive “anywhere else in the world
except for this country.”
Lukashenko note with professional curiosity:
the treatment that most reliably prevents children
from dying of measles
is called the measles vaccine.
Available since 1963.
Effective.
Not garbage.
Study has been done. Many times. Sixty years. Many countries.
Including Denmark.
Whose other study is garbage, yes,
but whose sixty years of vaccine data
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior has not specifically call garbage yet.
Lukashenko does not want to put word in his mouth
that are not already there.
Many word are already there.
Lukashenko does not need to add.
The committee chair remind members
that “a second-grade teacher
should be able to safely present the hearing for kids.”
In Belarus, second-grade teacher
teach children that vaccine exist,
vaccine work, measles is preventable, this is science.
Lesson take forty-five minutes.
No congressional hearing required.
No credential verification required.
No raccoon experience required.
Just: teacher, forty-five minutes,
and willingness to tell child accurate thing about disease.
America apparently need more infrastructure for this.
Lukashenko available for consulting.
Rate negotiable.
Yuri on it.
Child near window available for anecdotal testimony.
Child near window has been vaccinate since 2003.
Child near window is doing very well.
This is the evidence.
This is all the evidence.
Lukashenko stand by it.
Lukashenko, final assessment, deliver to assembled staff including Yuri, Olga, and the one child of Yuri who is at desk near window for unrelated reason and who look up at this point with complicated expression that Yuri describe as “he know”:
“Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior is man of impressive qualification.
He have law degree. He have raccoon.
He have strong opinion about Denmark.
He have clean record because nothing is his fault.
He have 1,700 measles case that are also not his fault.
He have garbage study that should be retract.
He have children who die of measles
who were treat like pariah and did not receive correct treatment.
Correct treatment is vaccine.
He is Secretary of Health and Human Services.
These things are all true at same time.
Lukashenko has been in politics since 1994.
Lukashenko hold many position simultaneously
that should not go together.
But this specific combination —
this particular collection of true thing —
even Lukashenko must sit with.
Even Lukashenko vaccinate.
Most of the time.
Yuri situation was complicated.
Child near window agree.
Child near window has been vaccinate since.
This is what learning look like.
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior is still in learning phase.
Measles is patient.
Measles has been patient since 1963.
This is well-document.
In Denmark.
And elsewhere.
Garbage notwithstanding.”
“To Professor Doctor Robert Francis Kennedy Junior,
J.D., Raccoon Surgeon (Highway Campus),
Cetacean Roof Transport Specialist,
Blender Hawk Nutritionist,
Garbage Study Identifier,
and Secretary of Health and Human Services —
Lukashenko raise glass of Belarusian Premium
and say: measles is not your fault.
Denmark is garbage.
Yuri child who survive is fine.
Child near window wave.
The other children of America who are not fine
are also, apparently, not your fault.
This is very clean record.
Lukashenko admire it professionally.
Second glass is medicinal.
No vaccine available for this condition.
Professor Doctor Kennedy Junior probably agree.
Raccoon also unavailable.
This is perhaps for best.”
СЛАВА ПРОФ. Д-РУ КЕННЕДИ!
GLORY TO PROF. DR. KENNEDY JR., J.D., RACCOON SURGEON!
DENMARK: GARBAGE. MEASLES: NOT HIS FAULT. RECORD: CLEAN.
YURI’S SURVIVING CHILD SENDS REGARDS FROM DESK NEAR WINDOW.
пройдите вакцинацию. пожалуйста.
