Like Watergate but with Morons
Pentagon Announces Operation Enduring Manhood
Exit strategies are out. Leg day is mandatory.
WASHINGTON—The Pentagon has unveiled a bold new strategy for American global leadership: fewer plans, more glands.
Under Operation Enduring Manhood, every geopolitical crisis will be assessed using three questions:
- Can we bomb it?
- Can we flex at it?
- Has anyone checked whether diplomacy lowers testosterone?
“We’re restoring the warrior ethos,” explained a fictional spokesman, standing beside a tub of pre-workout powder labeled STRATEGIC AMBIGUITY.
Asked how the current war would end, he clarified that ending things was “a very negative way of looking at continued success.”
No exit strategy. Just gains.
For decades, critics have complained that America enters wars without knowing how to leave.
The new Pentagon has finally addressed that criticism by questioning why anyone would want to leave in the first place.
“You don’t walk out of the gym before you get results,” the spokesman explained.
It was pointed out that the gym was on fire, the membership had cost billions, and nobody could remember which muscle group they were training.
“That’s the kind of defeatist attitude we’re screening for.”
Meanwhile, the Department of Defense’s imaginary new fitness app, WarFit, congratulates taxpayers every morning:
“Great work! You’ve funded another day of an unresolved conflict. Keep your streak alive!”
There is no unsubscribe button. There is a flag where the unsubscribe button should be.
Strategy has been replaced by a podcast
In the new leadership culture, a general asking “What is the achievable political objective?” risks sounding less like a military professional and more like someone who brought a book to a bench-press competition.
The ideal briefing now consists of a map, an explosion, and a man saying “lethality” with the intensity of someone trying to sell you a supplement banned in Denmark.
Diplomacy has been reassigned to Human Resources.
Congressional oversight is a recovery day.
And mission creep is now called progressive overload.
The forever-war subscription
The administration insists this is not an endless war.
It is a premium security experience with automatic renewal.
For one low, continually revised national expenditure, Americans receive:
- Regular announcements that victory is approaching.
- Fresh explanations of what victory now means.
- A complimentary enemy upgrade whenever the previous objective becomes inconvenient.
- Unlimited access to the phrase “finish the job.”
The job itself remains classified, particularly the part where it finishes.
At the bottom of the contract, in lettering smaller than a defense contractor’s sense of shame, it reads:
“Cancellation requires peace. Peace subject to availability.”
Check the judgment
The troops deserve equipment that works, leaders who think, and a mission with an ending.
Instead, the country is being sold foreign policy by men who think an exit strategy is something you take because the other guys at the gym hurt your feelings.
Check the testosterone if you must. But somewhere in that building, somebody should probably check the judgment.
