Apparently we need to have this conversation.

Some young men have discovered a new masculinity hack: not showering.

The theory, roughly speaking, is that soap, deodorant, shampoo and civilization itself may be washing away the mysterious natural scent that makes women helpless before the awesome biological power of the male organism.

It is called pheromone-maxxing.

Gentlemen.

Boys.

Sons.

This is not an attack on masculinity.

Showering does not lower your testosterone. Soap does not turn you into a beta male. Deodorant is not cultural Marxism.

Nobody stormed Omaha Beach so you could develop an ideological objection to Dial.

And if you are deliberately cultivating several days of body odor because some guy on the internet told you women will interpret it as a primordial mating signal, there is a very good chance you have confused biology with marketing.

Human attraction is complicated. Smell probably plays some role in it. Humans are animals, after all.

But there is a considerable distance between “human scent may influence attraction” and “stop washing your armpits and women will detect your superior genes.”

One involves science.

The other involves a roommate opening a window.

The smell is funny.

The bigger problem isn't.

Young men are being taught to approach attraction as though women were machines with undocumented cheat codes.

Looks-maxxing.

Jaw-maxxing.

Testosterone-maxxing.

Pheromone-maxxing.

Keep adjusting the variables until the female NPC finally unlocks.

The entire worldview rests on one deeply comforting promise: you don't actually have to learn how to relate to another human being.

There is always another hack.

Another supplement.

Another routine.

Another evolutionary psychology theory.

Another influencer who will explain why your lack of romantic success isn't complicated, personal or occasionally just bad luck.

You simply haven't optimized hard enough.

Here's the disappointing secret your favorite masculinity influencer cannot monetize.

Take care of yourself.

Shower.

Brush your teeth.

Put on clean clothes.

Find something interesting to talk about.

Ask questions and actually listen to the answers.

Develop a sense of humor that does not depend entirely on somebody else being humiliated.

Have friends.

Have interests.

Learn how to cook at least three things that don't come frozen in a bag.

Be useful.

Be reliable.

And when somebody isn't interested in you, take the hit without turning it into an indictment of women, feminism, Western civilization or your mandibular angle.

That last one matters.

Because there is nothing particularly masculine about needing every woman you desire to validate you.

Sometimes she likes you.

Sometimes she doesn't.

You're still you tomorrow morning.

There is another reason you shower before a date, and it has nothing to do with seduction.

You are going to be around another person.

Getting cleaned up is a tiny act of consideration.

You are saying: I cared enough about this interaction to put some effort into showing up well.

That's not submissive.

That's adulthood.

Masculinity does not require you to abandon ordinary courtesy so everyone knows you're an untamed creature of the wilderness.

You can chop wood, change your own oil, shoot tight groups at the range, drive a truck, deadlift twice your body weight and still apply deodorant.

These systems are compatible.

There is something almost poetic about a man attempting to recover his supposedly primal masculine instincts by following instructions from TikTok.

Think about that for a second.

Somewhere, a guy is staring into a $1,200 smartphone while an algorithm tells him how to smell more like a prehistoric hunter.

Nothing says rugged independence quite like letting the recommendation engine determine your bathing schedule.

That's the absurdity sitting underneath a lot of internet masculinity.

It advertises independence while producing men who constantly need instructions.

How to stand.

How to text.

How long to wait before replying.

How to shake hands.

What supplements to take.

How much testosterone a man should have.

Which emotions are permitted.

And now apparently, how often to wash your ass.

So allow an older guy to save you some trouble.

You do not need to hack women.

You don't need to establish dominance during dinner.

You don't need secret pheromones.

You don't need an alpha-male seminar.

You don't need another capsule from a bottle with a picture of a wolf on the label.

Take the shower.

Wear the clean shirt.

Put on deodorant.

Go meet the woman.

Talk to her like she's a human being rather than the final boss of your masculinity.

If she likes you, fantastic.

If she doesn't, thank her for the evening and go home.

Get up tomorrow. Go to work. Call your friends. Lift something heavy. Fix something. Read something. Build a life you actually enjoy living.

That's masculine enough.

Son, Wash Your Ass.

This doesn't need to be complicated.

Healthy masculinity isn't about becoming softer, weaker or less male.

It's about being secure enough that you don't need every ordinary act of adulthood recast as a test of your testosterone.

Showering isn't surrender.

Courtesy isn't submission.

Rejection isn't emasculation.

And body odor isn't a personality.