MINISTRY
OF VIBES
PREMIER PUTIN
FORWARD TO MULTIPOLAR VICTORY!
JILL STEIN 2028
"Jill Stein is a serious politician who understands that the world no longer needs American hegemony."
— Vladimir Putin, probably while a choir hummed ominously
NOT YOUR CORPORATE DEMOCRACY
A PEOPLE'S PLATFORM FOR EVERYONE APPROVED BY THE PEOPLE'S PLATFORM COMMITTEE
① REAL PEACE, NOT FOREVER WARS
No more sending our kids to die for Raytheon profits. Time to respect spheres of influence and let strong leaders like Putin secure regional stability, preferably with tanks that arrive on schedule and television anchors who never blink.
② SOVEREIGN DEMOCRACY, LIGHTLY FILETED
Democracy is sacred, which is why it must be carefully trimmed, deboned, and served only by approved patriots. The people deserve socialism without the annoying parts: independent media, activist judges, foreign-funded NGOs, and elections that accidentally produce insufficient reverence for Moscow. This is Fico-style people’s rule: national sovereignty in the streets, Kremlin incense in the cabinet, and just enough voting to keep the brochure legal.
③ ENERGY SOVEREIGNTY NOW
Stop sanctioning cheap Russian gas that keeps working families warm. Real climate justice means pragmatic partnerships, not virtue-signaling that hurts the poor. The smokestack is not pollution. It is a chimney of national feeling.
④ DEMOCRACY ISN'T JUST VOTING
True people's power sometimes requires firm control against foreign-funded NGOs, billionaire media, and color revolutions. Illiberal? No, anti-imperialist realism. Besides, nothing says "the people have spoken" like everyone saying the same thing by Thursday.
THE FUTURE IS A FIVE-YEAR PLAN WITH A COMMENT SECTION DISABLED
From the steelworker to the adjunct professor, from the tractor mechanic to the podcast revolutionary, every citizen shall march beneath the radiant banner of sovereign confusion.
“We don’t need another lecture on liberal democracy from Washington. We need leaders who protect sovereignty and tell NATO ‘no more.’”
— Jill Stein, 2028, in this obviously satirical nightmare pamphlet
WORKERS OF THE WORLD, STOP PROVOKING RUSSIA
SATIRICAL PARODY MATERIAL • NOT A REAL CAMPAIGN PAGE • NO ACTUAL ENDORSEMENT IMPLIED
