Comrades workers, patriots, and loyal readers of most trusted news organ in entire region!
Today Molodnaia Pravda bring to you story of great technological theft, international scandal,
and one man's journey to a Waffle House in Rome, Georgia, at speed that violate
both laws of physics and, more importantly,
Belarusian intellectual property law.
According to CNN — which is, of course, enemy of the people according to Premier Trump,
but which sometimes accidentally does journalism — Gregg Phillips,
the senior FEMA official in charge of disaster response for entire United States of America,
has claimed on multiple podcasts that he has teleported.
Not metaphorically. Not spiritually. Physically teleported.
To a Waffle House. Fifty miles away. In Georgia.
"Teleporting is no fun," Phillips said on podcast. "It was real."
Comrades, Molodnaia Pravda can now reveal information that Western media
is too afraid to publish:
the teleportation device used by Comrade Phillips was designed
and built in Belarus.
Official Statement from Office of Supreme Leader Lukashenko (delivered by courier who appeared to materialise from thin air, which is now explained):
"On behalf of heroic people of Belarus and our glorious scientific establishment,
I, Aleksandr Grigoryevich Lukashenko, must inform the world of a great injustice.
In 2019, the Belarusian National Academy of Sciences — Department of Applied Physics
and Tractor Maintenance — successfully developed prototype teleportation device,
codenamed PROJECT BLINCHIK. Device was intended for use by Belarusian agricultural
inspectors who need to visit multiple collective farms in single afternoon.
It was NOT designed for Americans to teleport to breakfast restaurants.
This is theft. This is cultural appropriation. This is, frankly, insulting."
According to Belarusian intelligence sources — specifically Dmitri, who has been
promoted from cipher analyst to teleportation desk after his fax machine was confiscated —
the prototype was stolen from a laboratory in Minsk in late 2023 by
operatives working for Fox News.
"We have evidence," Dmitri reportedly told Olga during lunch break,
"that Fox News acquired Project Blinchik through intermediary in Tbilisi
and delivered it to far-right media circles in United States,
where it eventually fell into hands of Mr. Phillips, who immediately used
most advanced piece of Belarusian scientific achievement
to go to Waffle House."
"In Georgia," Dmitri added, shaking his head. "Not even good Waffle House."
This same Gregg Phillips — who also claimed his car "lifted up" and carried him
40 miles through the air before setting him down in a ditch near a church —
is now the person responsible for coordinating federal disaster response
for 330 million Americans. He stood next to DHS Secretary Kristi Noem
during the January winter storms. He distributes billions in emergency aid.
He has also said, on separate podcasts, that Covid was designed to kill people,
that DHS officials were "planning the next assassination attempt" on Trump,
and that migrants are "coming here to kill you."
But the teleportation is the part Molodnaia Pravda wish to focus on,
because Belarus deserves credit.
Our editorial team has attempted to reconstruct the timeline of how
Project Blinchik went from Belarusian tractor-logistics tool to American
breakfast-delivery system. However, several factual errors were discovered
in our initial reporting, and in accordance with Molodnaia Pravda's
commitment to accuracy, we publish the following corrections:
CORRECTED
#1
In our initial report, we stated that Project Blinchik was stolen by
"Fox News operatives in Tbilisi."
We have since learned the handover actually took place in
a car park behind a Wendy's in Batumi.
We regret the error. The geopolitical implications remain unchanged.
#2
We originally reported that Mr. Phillips teleported
"50 miles to a Waffle House in Rome, Georgia."
After consultation with Belarusian calibration experts, we now believe
the device was set to kilometres, not miles, meaning he actually overshot
the intended Waffle House by approximately 30 miles.
This is a known issue with the metric conversion module, which was designed
for the Belarusian market and does not support American units. Belarus accepts no liability.
#3
We stated that the device was
"intended for agricultural inspectors visiting collective farms."
We must now clarify that the device was
also tested by Lukashenko personally for the purpose of arriving at hockey games
on time. Results were mixed. On one occasion, Supreme Leader arrived at correct arena
but during wrong sport (figure skating). This test was classified and we should not have mentioned it.
#4
We reported that Mr. Phillips' car
"lifted up and carried him 40 miles."
Belarusian engineers now believe this was
not the teleportation device but a separate malfunction
in the car-levitation module, which was a secondary feature added at Lukashenko's
personal request after he saw a documentary about flying cars.
The car-levitation feature was never approved for export. Fox News has a lot to answer for.
#5
We initially described Project Blinchik as
"most advanced piece of Belarusian scientific achievement."
After review by the Academy, we must correct this to
"second most advanced piece of Belarusian scientific achievement,"
as the most advanced remains the potato-sorting algorithm developed in 2017,
which is still operational and has never been stolen by anyone.
#6
Finally, we stated that Dmitri was
"promoted to teleportation desk."
We have been informed that
the teleportation desk does not officially exist,
Dmitri has been asked to stop telling people it exists,
and the Academy would like us to emphasise that Belarus
"has never developed any teleportation technology whatsoever"
and that "this entire story is fabricated."
Noted. We stand by our reporting.
FEMA spokesperson has described CNN's reporting as "so silly it's barely worth acknowledging"
and said Phillips' teleportation claims were "personal, informal, jovial, and somewhat
spiritual discussions." In Belarus, when government official says something insane
on podcast and spokesperson calls it "jovial and spiritual," we know exactly
what this means: it means
the spokesperson is also using the device.
Supplementary remarks from Supreme Leader (delivered while reportedly examining a large, vaguely scientific-looking box that aides refused to describe):
"Let me be very clear. Belarus demand full return of Project Blinchik,
complete with instruction manual, which is written in Belarusian and Russian
and has very important chapter about not using device to go to restaurants.
Chapter 7: 'Prohibited Destinations.' Waffle House is listed. IHOP is listed.
Denny's is listed with exclamation mark. These are not approved teleportation endpoints.
The device was built for serious socialist purposes — inspecting tractors, attending
hockey games, and, in emergency, relocating Supreme Leader from one palace to another palace.
It was not built for a man who thinks Covid is a weapon and migrants are an army
to materialise inside a breakfast chain in rural Georgia.
Fox News will hear from our lawyers. If we had lawyers. Which we do not.
But they will hear from someone."
Meanwhile, this same Gregg Phillips is scheduled to testify before the
House Homeland Security Committee next Wednesday. Molodnaia Pravda editorial board
encourage all members of Congress to ask the following question:
"Mr. Phillips, when you teleported to the Waffle House,
did you at any point see a label that said 'Made in Belarus'?"
If answer is yes, we expect full diplomatic apology and return of device,
plus shipping costs.
"To Comrade Gregg Phillips — who used glorious Belarusian teleportation technology
to get scattered, smothered, and covered at 3am in Rome, Georgia!
Lukashenko raise glass of finest Belarusian vodka — label says 'Quantum Grade,'
which Yuri assures us means nothing — and demand immediate return of
Project Blinchik, or at minimum a large order of hash browns as compensation!"
GLORY TO BELARUSIAN SCIENCE —
STOLEN BY YANKEE IMPERIALISTS AT FOX NEWS!
ВЕРНИТЕ БЛИНЧИК! ЛУКАШЕНКО ТРЕБУЕТ СПРАВЕДЛИВОСТИ!
