KGB FILES: LENINGRAD LINDSEY EXPOSED

Comrades workers, patriots, and loyal readers of most trusted news organ in entire region! Today Molodnaia Pravda bring to you most disturbing intelligence about man who Belarus has been monitoring since Cold War era — Warlord Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, known in old KGB files under codename "ЛЕНИНГРАДСКИЙ ЛИНДСИ" (Leningrad Lindsey).

According to Western propaganda outlet Newsweek, Warlord Graham has appeared on Fox News — which, as loyal readers will remember, also stole Belarusian teleportation technology — and declared that United States should invade and seize Kharg Island, Iran. His exact words: "We did Iwo Jima. We can do this."

Comrades, for readers who are not familiar with Battle of Iwo Jima: almost 7,000 Americans died. 20,000 more were wounded. Warlord Graham said this on television like he was ordering appetisers. Even his own party is now calling him "psychotic neocon" and "Lady Graham" and demanding he be "removed from the Situation Room." In Minsk, when your own comrades call you psychotic, you are either promoted or disappeared. There is no middle ground.

But what Western media does not know — and what Molodnaia Pravda can now exclusively reveal — is that Belarus has had a file on Warlord Graham since 1997, when Belarusian intelligence inherited a cache of old KGB documents during routine building renovation of former Soviet consulate in Minsk. The file was discovered by Dmitri (who else) inside a wall cavity, between a water pipe and what appeared to be a very old sandwich.

What has made Lukashenko particularly furious is that Warlord Graham — despite being, in Lukashenko's words, "most dangerous man in United States Senate who has never personally been in danger" — is not using his considerable warmongering abilities to help Belarus's allies. Lukashenko reportedly asked his foreign policy advisor: "If this man will invade anything for anyone, why will he not invade something useful? We have list. Very reasonable list."

Our intelligence bureau has decoded the following classified KGB document, which Dmitri has been translating from the original Russian for three weeks and is now approximately 60% confident he has the right language:

Supreme Leader Lukashenko's primary complaint — beyond the general existence of Warlord Graham — is that a man with this level of enthusiasm for invading islands has never once offered to invade anything on Belarus's behalf. "We have been asking for help with our neighbour situation for years," Lukashenko reportedly said, referring to no specific neighbour because in Belarus all neighbours are potential situations. "Does Graham call Fox News and say 'We did Iwo Jima, we can help Lukashenko'? No. He does not. He only invades places with oil. Belarus has potatoes. Apparently potatoes are not worth Marines."

Representative Anna Paulina Luna of Florida has called Graham's comments "deeply upset[ting]" and accused him of treating troops "as if they are expendable cattle." Representative Nancy Mace — also from South Carolina, which means she has to see this man at functions — said he "needs to be removed from the Situation Room." Former Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called him a "psychotic neocon" and urged South Carolina voters to remove him from office entirely.

In Minsk, Lukashenko reportedly watched all of this unfold and said to his aides: "You see? Even Americans have their Lukashenkos. The difference is theirs does not have a hockey team."