If you would like to speak with ICE in person, we have a few ideas. This is also satire, but hey, we're not babysitters.
If you have nothing better to do, share a laugh with an ICE agent. This is satire. Really.
These questions are innocuous.
Ask for general information about how to report immigration violations or suspicious activity related to immigration enforcement.
- Inquire about the locations and contact information of ICE field offices or detention centers.
- Ask about procedures for finding out if someone is detained under ICE custody and how to obtain information on their case status.
- Request general information on ICE policies regarding detainee rights and conditions.
- Ask about community resources or programs related to immigration law compliance and assistance.
- Seek guidance on how to file complaints or report issues related to ICE operations or conduct.
- Request contact information for ICE offices or hotlines for specific concerns, including the toll-free ICE tip line.
These types of calls focus on gathering information about ICE operations, resources, and procedures without delving into personal or confrontational issues.
This is more obnoxious, but still perfectly legal:
1. Hello! I have a few very important questions about ice-related regulations that I hope you can clarify.
2. If I freeze a burrito, does it officially become an ICE burrito eligible for any special treatment?
3. Can I report my neighbor’s snowman for overstaying his visa? He’s been around since December.
4. What about popsicles melting in public spaces? Any regulations there?
5. If I refrigerate my cat, does that violate any cross-border temperature laws? Asking for a friend.
6. Does ICE have any presence in Antarctica, or is that strictly penguin affairs?
7. Can I report my freezer for harboring illegal ice cubes?
8. If I cross a state line with ice cream, do I require any paperwork?
9. What’s the legal limit on ice sculpture sizes?
10. If my iced coffee travels from Canada, would it need an import license?
11. Are icicles hanging off my roof subject to immigration interviews?
12. Is an ice rink considered a legal port of entry for skaters?
13. Does ICE protect endangered snowflakes with a witness protection program?
14. Can I sponsor a glacier for citizenship?
15. I just want to keep everything by the book. Have a chill day!
Would you like to get a free ticket home?
"Hola, queridos agentes de ICE. Mi hermano se va a casar en la Ciudad de México la próxima semana y estoy sin dinero. Si me entrego, ¿me deportarán directamente a la Ciudad de México? Si no, quizás El Salvador también funcione."
English Translation
Hello, dear ICE agents. My brother is getting married in Mexico City next week and I am broke. If I turn myself in, will you deport me directly to Mexico City? If not, maybe El Salvador will work.
Phonetic Script (Mexican Spanish Approximation)
Oh-lah, keh-ree-dohs ah-jehn-tehs deh ICE. Mee ehr-moh seh vah ah kah-sar ehn lah See-oo-dahd deh Meh-hee-koh lah proh-kee-mah seh-mana ee es-toy seen deh-ree-roh. See meh ehn-treh-goh, meh deh-pohr-tah-rahn dee-rehk-tah-men-teh ah lah See-oo-dahd deh Meh-hee-koh? See noh, poh-deh-ree-ah ehl Sahl-bah-dohr too kohn-seh-gir.