Trump Appoints 22-Year-Old To Fight Terrorism; Belarus Thanks Premier Trump

MINSK (Molodnaia Pravda Bureau of Human Resources & Strategic Appointments, Dmitri reporting) — Supreme Leader Lukashenko has today issue formal communiqué of congratulation to Premier Trump for what Lukashenko is calling the most Belarusian personnel decision in American history.

Premier Trump has appoint Comrade Thomas Fugate, age 22, graduate of university approximately one year prior to appointment, veteran of Model United Nations club (Secretary General, very senior role), to lead CP3 — the Department of Homeland Security hub for combating violent extremism and domestic terrorism in capital city of America during active war with Iran in which Iran has make specific threat of retribution on American soil.

Senator Whitehouse of Rhode Island is very upset about this. He list many thing that have been destroy: 300 FBI national security agents gone, counterterrorism section gut, foreign influence task force disband, National Security Division lose one-third of leadership, CISA workforce cut, six thousand DOJ employee departed. He say America is now vulnerable. He seem concern.

In Minsk, Lukashenko read this list carefully, pour himself what he call “working glass” of Belarusian Premium (label say Premium, chemical analysis say debatable, this is not relevant), and say only: “Yes. And?”

ProPublica, American journal of record for stories that make everyone feel terrible inside, report that typically a candidate of Fugate’s background “would not have gotten interview for junior position, much less been hired to run operations.” Fugate’s primary leadership credential is having served as Secretary General of Model United Nations club at university.

In Minsk, Lukashenko hear the words “Model United Nations” and must sit down. Not from shock. From respect. In Model United Nations, Fugate practice diplomacy with fake countries, represent position he does not actually hold, negotiate resolution that will never be implement, and declare victory regardless of outcome. This is, Lukashenko explain, literally what the United Nations actually does, except Model UN is faster and has better snack. Fugate is not underqualified. Fugate is perhaps overqualified by one degree of abstraction.

But Comrade Fugate is not the only inspired appointment Lukashenko wish to celebrate. Senator Whitehouse also mention that Comrade Laura Loomer — MAGA influencer, operator of social media account, person with no official government position — has convince Premier Trump to fire heads of NSA and U.S. Cyber Command. NSA protect American signals intelligence. Cyber Command defend American digital infrastructure. These are, in technical terminology, quite important job.

Loomer is not director of NSA. Loomer is not director of Cyber Command. Loomer is not employed by government in any official capacity. Loomer has blog. Loomer has feelings about people. Loomer communicate feelings to Premier Trump. Premier Trump fire people.

And then there is Comrade Director Kash Patel, who Senator Whitehouse accuse of wasting taxpayer dollar to fly around world on private jet, party at Olympics, and fire FBI counterterrorism expert as distraction from own incompetence. Whitehouse call this undermining national security. Lukashenko call this management by presence.

In Belarus, senior official who travel well and arrive at correct international sporting event in correct seat is sending important signal to adversary nation: our leadership is comfortable, well-rested, and watching sport. This is deterrence. You do not attack country whose intelligence director is visibly enjoying himself at Olympic venue. You attack country whose intelligence director is tire, overwork, and has not left office in three week. Kash Patel is, in this reading, keeping America safe by demonstrating that America is fine enough for its FBI director to attend Olympics. This is called strategic leisure and Lukashenko has been doing it since 1994.

Meanwhile, Senator Whitehouse conclude his remarks by noting that Americans are “made less safe every time MAGA influencer convince President to fire agency head.” In Minsk, Lukashenko read this sentence, fold newspaper carefully, place it on desk next to portrait of himself, and say nothing for very long time. Then he say: