To Mr. Bezos and the Washington Post:

Hi Jeff, can I call you Jeff? Ok then, Jeff.

I just finished reading that masterpiece of investigative journalism from the Washington Post about the supposed “fraud” in veterans’ disability claims. Really, Jeff — bravo. Nothing says “courageous journalism” quite like punching down on disabled veterans while sitting atop a multi-billion-dollar media empire.

You’re absolutely right, Jeff — $139 billion for veterans who served and sacrificed is just way too much. We wouldn’t want those pesky disabled vets using their benefits to pay rent, afford medication, or, heaven forbid, eat something other than ramen this month. Far better that the government take that money back and redistribute it to the truly needy — you know, like billionaires building rockets or buying new yachts.

After all, Jeff, you and your fellow benevolent moguls know how to really stimulate the economy. Veterans might spend that money on small-town groceries or local hardware stores — how quaint! But if you and Elon Musk get an extra cut, you could create even more futuristic convenience by letting those same vets rack up a little debt using their Amazon credit cards. That way, they can keep buying essentials from your stores with money they no longer have. Efficiency, thy name is Bezos.

It’s touching, truly, to see such deep moral concern for government waste applied to people who lost limbs or suffered trauma serving their country. I’m sure they’ll be comforted to know that while you tour space in your rocket, they can enjoy the fireworks from the emergency room waiting line — patriotic symmetry at its best.

So thank you, Jeff, for your leadership. Taking $139 billion from the disabled and re-routing it toward the deserving billionaire class is a bold vision for America’s future — one where empathy is outsourced, profit is patriotism, and veterans become loyal Amazon Prime subscribers for life because, frankly, what else can they afford?

All my gratitude for your tireless fight for billionaire welfare,

A Bitterly Grateful Veteran