The Idiot’s Almanac: Pete Kegsbreath’s Greatest Hits

Because stupidity deserves documentation.

🎯 Introduction

Some people leave behind legacies of wisdom, innovation, or courage. Pete Kegsbreath leaves behind… quotes. Quotes so baffling, so cosmically idiotic, they deserve their own museum wing. Welcome to the roast.

💥 Exhibit A: The Deadline Prophet

“Deadlines are just suggestions with bad attitudes.”
Translation: Pete thinks project management is a mood ring. Spoiler: the mood is intoxicated.

💥 Exhibit B: The Firewall Philosopher

“I don’t trust firewalls. Fire is dangerous.”
Yes, Pete. And water is wet. Please stop talking before the IT department combusts.

💥 Exhibit C: The Compliance Guru

“Compliance is optional if you smile.”
Auditors everywhere just added “Pete Kegsbreath” to their list of natural disasters.

💥 Exhibit D: The Backup Mystic

“I don’t need backups. I have faith.”
Faith is lovely. Faith won’t recover your corrupted database, champ.

💥 Exhibit E: The Wi-Fi Conspiracy Theorist

“Wi-Fi is just the government whispering in our ears.”
No, Pete. That’s tinnitus. Seek help.

💥 Exhibit F: The Password Philanthropist

“Security questions are easy. I just use the same answer for all of them.”
Hackers send him thank-you cards annually. Signal anyone?

💥 Exhibit G: The Reality Denier

“I’m not wrong. Reality is.”
This isn’t just a quote. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle of catastrophic confidence.

🎤 Closing Roast

Pete Kegsbreath doesn’t just say stupid things—he curates them, bottles them, and serves them like fine wine. Unfortunately, every sip tastes like vinegar, regret, and a PowerPoint crash.