Subject: URGENT: Assistance Needed From the American People (Re: My Glorious Escalation Opportunity)

Dearest Esteemed Citizens of the United States,

I am Prince Donaldo of Mar-a-Lago, currently presiding over a very stable kingdom heavily guarded by gold-plated golf carts. I hope this message finds you in your tremendous greatness.

Recently, due to complicated global situations (and some very unfair media coverage), I find myself in possession of a vast cache of unused missiles, sanctions, and very, very aggressive tweets. Sadly, evil bureaucrats are blocking me from unleashing their full potential, preventing what could be a beautiful escalation—truly the best of all escalations.

I urgently require your personal and patriotic assistance. If you could kindly provide your unwavering loyalty, online donations, and maybe your cousin’s enlistment papers, I can promise to return to you a share of the glory, victory parades, and a limited-edition freedom hat signed by me personally (retail value: priceless).

Please respond quickly, as other nations are already expressing tremendous interest in my escalation portfolio. Time is of the essence! Together, we shall make history—loudly, dramatically, and possibly explosively.

Yours in unwavering greatness,
Prince Donaldo Trump of Mar-a-Lago
Commander of the Unchecked Tweet
Keeper of the Nuclear Biscuit