!!! LUKASHENKO RAGES AS TRUMP ATTACKS USMC; MONTHS OF PLANNING WASTED !!!

MINSK (Molodnaia Pravda Bureau of Military Infiltration & Crayon Intelligence, Dmitri reporting, who begin this dispatch in state of alarm and finish it in state of confused celebration) — Supreme Leader Lukashenko has this week experience what he describe as full arc of human emotion in forty-eight hour, beginning with fury, proceeding through betrayal, and arriving, unexpectedly, at gratitude so profound that he must sit down, pour glass, and eat the Crayon of Death he had been saving for the Marines of Parris Island, South Carolina.

We will explain.

It has been confirm by NBC News, Marine Corps official website, and general horror of American public that Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents — ICE, the federal agency responsible for immigration enforcement, not ice the frozen water, though both are equally chill — will be station at gates of Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island during graduation ceremonies for America’s newest Marines. Their mission: to conduct “enhanced screening and lawful immigration status inquiries” on family members arriving to watch their children, who have just complete thirteen weeks of extremely difficult military training in order to serve country that is now checking whether their mother has correct document.

Lukashenko read this news and do something no one in Presidential Administration has see before. He laugh. Then he stop laughing. Then he laugh again. Then he pour glass. Then Yuri ask if he is okay. Lukashenko say he is better than okay. He say he is vindicated.

According to Marine Corps official statement, all visitor to Parris Island graduation must now present REAL ID, U.S. passport, or U.S. birth certificate to access base. Undocumented immigrant are generally ineligible for federal REAL ID and do not have U.S. passport or birth certificate. There are 37 graduation ceremonies planned through next March at Parris Island, meaning this arrangement has significant runway. DHS spokesperson assure public that ICE will not make arrest at graduation event. They will only check papers of family members of people who just complete most rigorous military training in America. This is different from arrest. This is called screening. In Belarus, we also call it screening. We use same word. Result is sometimes also same. But we do not say that part out loud at graduation ceremony.

Lukashenko note that this represent significant tactical achievement by Premier Trump’s administration, because it accomplish something Belarus has been try to do to American military morale for many year: make Marine wonder, on the day of graduation, whether their family is safe. In Belarus, this is call psychological operation at domestic level and it is generally consider advanced technique that take years to implement properly. Trump do it with one memo. In one week. During active war. Lukashenko is taking notes. Yuri is also taking notes. Yuri run out of paper so he is writing on hand again.

Marine Corps spokesperson confirm this is “first time in recent memory that federal law enforcement agencies have supported base access operations at Parris Island in this capacity.” It is also first time in recent memory that man who just earn title of United States Marine must stand at attention while ICE agent check whether his grandmother cross border correctly thirty year ago. These two fact are related. Lukashenko find this poetic. He has ask Olga to write poem about it. Olga say this is not her job. Lukashenko say it was not Dmitri’s job to name the crayon either but here we are.

Meanwhile, DHS assure everyone that ICE will not make arrest at ceremony. They will only check. The arrest possibility, DHS note carefully, remains available for situation that arise after checking. This distinction is, in technical terminology, very thin. In Belarus, Lukashenko also never arrest anyone at ceremony. Lukashenko arrest people after ceremony, when camera is put away and family is in parking lot. This is called timing. Timing is everything in both comedy and authoritarian procedure. Lukashenko has always say this.