Guard‑ians of the Guard”: When the DC Police End Up Protecting the National Guard

Disclaimer: This piece of shit is pure satire. No actual guards were harmed—or protected—during its creation.

Washington, D.C., the city that never sleeps because someone’s always trying to figure out who’s in charge. In a plot twist that could only be dreamed up by a late‑night writer’s room, the DC police—those stalwart keepers of traffic tickets and late‑night karaoke disputes—have been tasked with protecting the very National Guard troops they once escorted to the Capitol. It’s the bureaucratic equivalent of a cat watching over a mouse, then realizing the mouse is actually a tiny, heavily armed tiger.

The Role Reversal

Picture this: a squad of uniformed officers, fresh from a night shift of issuing citations for double‑parked scooters, now standing guard outside a National Guard armory. Their mission? To make sure the Guard doesn’t accidentally wander into a coffee shop and order a latte. Meanwhile, the Guard, still reeling from the shock of being summoned to the nation’s capital by a president who apparently thought “military deployment” was a new reality TV show, now has to rely on the same folks who once told them to “move along” when they tried to set up a protest.

It’s a classic case of who watches the watchmen? The answer, according to the latest episode of “DC Government: The Sitcom,” is: “We’ll just have the police watch the Guard, and hope nobody notices the script got flipped.”

Who Signed Off on This?

If you ever wondered what happens when a presidential Temu Twitter tweet meets a chain of command, wonder no more. The tweet in question—“Send the Guard, protect the city!”—was apparently interpreted by a middle manager in the Pentagon as “Deploy the Guard, then have the local police protect them from… themselves?” The result? A bureaucratic knot tighter than a pretzel at a state fair.

One insider (who wishes to remain anonymous because, you know, anonymity is a thing) whispered, “It’s like hiring a security guard to protect the alarm system. At least the alarm will ring if something goes wrong, but who’s going to answer it?”

The Irony Meter Hits 11

Let’s break down the layers of irony here:

1. Police protecting the Guard – Because nothing says “we trust you” like handing over your own safety to the people who usually give you a ticket for jaywalking.
2. National Guard protecting the city – The ultimate “we’ve got this” moment that turned into “we’re just here because someone else asked us to.”
3. Trump’s involvement – Adding a dash of “I’m not a politician, I’m a businessman” to the mix, which, in practice, translates to “I’ll tweet something, and then we’ll all pretend we understood it.”
4. Where has Pete Kegsbreath been? He making these decisions by spinning a bottle?

If irony were a sport, this would be the Olympic gold medal ceremony, complete with a podium made of confused faces and a national anthem performed by a choir of sighs (or silence, like the speech in front of all the General officers).

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

• Miscommunication: The police might think the Guard needs a parking permit, while the Guard assumes the police are there to enforce a curfew on their own troops. Result? A standoff over who gets to use the restroom first.
• Uniform Confusion: Imagine a rookie officer spotting a soldier in camouflage and thinking, “Is that a new tactical vest for traffic stops?” Meanwhile, the soldier wonders if the officer’s badge doubles as a badge of honor for “most tickets issued in a single shift.”
• Chain of Command Chaos: The Guard reports to the President, the police report to the Mayor, and both end up answering to a Twitter feed. It’s a hierarchy that would make even the most seasoned corporate ladder climber dizzy.
• Not one mother fucking donut was injured in the writing of this satirical piece.

The Takeaway

In the grand tradition of political theater, this scenario serves as a reminder that sometimes the scriptwriters forget to check the continuity. The DC police protecting the National Guard is the kind of plot twist that makes you wonder whether anyone actually reads the memo before signing off on it.

So, next time you hear about a new “protective measure,” just remember: in Washington, the protectors might need protection too. And if you spot a police cruiser parked outside a National Guard armory, feel free to wave. After all, they’re probably just trying to figure out who’s supposed to be guarding whom.

Stay tuned for the next episode, where the Secret Service hires a line of baristas to keep the President caffeinated while the White House staff learns to juggle spreadsheets and diplomatic crises.