MINSK (Molodnaia Pravda Bureau of Press Freedom Observation, Dmitri reporting) —
Is with great emotion that this correspondent must report: Supreme Leader Lukashenko
has been cry. Not from sadness. Not from onion, which he sometime eat for breakfast
to demonstrate toughness of Belarusian people. He has been cry from
pure, uncut pride.
Because at last, America has produce leader who understand the newspapers.
Comrade Secretary Hegseth — formerly Senior Ideological Correspondent
of Fox News, American Pravda, Official Organ of Republic Party —
has this month announce historic modernization of Stars and Stripes,
military newspaper of United States of America, publish continuously since 1942,
which is coincidentally same year Belarus was also having very bad time.
The modernization is, in technical terms, beautiful.
Hegseth has declare the newspaper must now publish content
“consistent with good order and discipline” —
which is phrase from military justice law, meaning reporters can face
court-martial for story Pentagon does not like.
In same memo, Pentagon assure everyone newspaper will continue to
“operate with editorial independence.”
Both of these things are true. Do not ask follow-up question.
Supreme Leader Lukashenko, speaking to assembled staff of Presidential Administration (also Yuri, who was just walk past in hallway):
“In 1997 I try to do exactly this. I call newspaper and say: you will print
what is consistent with good order and discipline. But they say ‘what is discipline,
you are not our boss.’ So I have to pass law. Then another law. Then third law
for the people who read first two laws wrong. It take me almost four years.
Hegseth do it with eight-page memo in six weeks. I am not embarrass to say
he is better at this part than me. I am little bit embarrass. But mostly proud.”
Pentagon spokesman Comrade Parnell announce on social media that Stars and Stripes
will be return to “original mission” of being organ
“by warfighter and for warfighter,” which mean it will cover:
warfighting, weapon system, fitness, lethality, survivability, and
“ALL THINGS MILITARY” (capital letter in original, very important).
What it will not cover: wire service news, sporting event,
state-by-state roundup, syndicated feature, and — this is the part
where Lukashenko begin his second cry —
comic strip.
Pentagon has specifically, in official eight-page memorandum of United States
Department of War, ban the comics.
Garfield. Beetle Bailey. Peanuts. All of it. Gone.
Classified. Threat to morale, presumably because Garfield
want Monday to be over and this is not consistent with warfighter mindset.
Lukashenko, who has now open second bottle of Belarusian Premium Vodka (label say Premium, chemical analysis say “debatable”):
“I ban satirical puppet show in 2001. Very funny show, very dangerous.
Puppets were making joke about presidential election result.
So I ban. But comic strip? Garfield? I never ban Garfield.
Even I know you cannot ban Garfield. Garfield is universal.
Garfield hate Monday regardless of regime. This is mistake.
Hegseth is young. He will learn. I am still available for consulting.”
But the true moment of genius — the moment that make Lukashenko
put down his glass, stand up, and perform small private toast
to portrait of himself on wall — come on March 19, 2026,
when Comrade Secretary Hegseth hold press conference at Pentagon
to update media on war with Iran.
Stars and Stripes reporter Comrade Adams, who cover Pentagon for Stars and Stripes,
which is newspaper of Pentagon, arrive at Pentagon to cover Pentagon briefing.
He is inform: he is not approved to attend.
Pentagon explain there are only 60 seats, and Stars and Stripes
is one of 11 outlet that cannot be accommodate “due to space.”
Reporter Adams watch briefing on screen. In building where briefing is happening.
At newspaper that Pentagon is currently rewriting.
In Minsk, this is call elegant.
ИСПРАВЛЕНО
1.
In previous edition, Molodnaia Pravda state that United States has
“free and independent military press, unlike Belarus.”
We wish to correct: United States now has military press that is
free and independent, except for what it can publish, who it can quote, what wire service it can use, whether it can cover sport, whether it can print comic strip, and whether reporter can attend briefing of department that own the newspaper.
Otherwise completely free. We regret error.
2.
Previous edition describe Pete Hegseth as
“television personality with no relevant qualification for running Department of Defense.”
This is incorrect and unfair. Comrade Hegseth spend many year as
Senior Ideological Correspondent at Fox News, American Pravda, Official Organ of Republic Party,
which is exactly correct qualification for understanding how newspaper should cover military. In Belarus, we call this career path “working backward through the food chain.” It is more common than you think.
3.
We previously report that Pentagon’s Stars and Stripes memo “contain contradiction” by simultaneously guaranteeing editorial independence and banning content. After careful review of memo, we must correct:
There is no contradiction. Both things are true because memo say both things. This is called policy. Molodnaia Pravda apologize for suggesting that words must have consistent meaning. This is Western bias and we are ashamed.
4.
Earlier report state that “reporters at Stars and Stripes face potential court-martial for publishing story Pentagon does not like.” Pentagon clarify this is
“mischaracterization”
of content standard requiring only that material be “consistent with good order and discipline.” We accept this clarification and note that in Belarus, we use identical phrase, and our journalists are also
completely free to publish anything consistent with good order and discipline, which currently include: tractor production statistic, potato yield report, and approved weather.
5.
We must correct previous assertion that “banning Stars and Stripes from Pentagon press conference while simultaneously rewriting Stars and Stripes’s editorial mission is, at minimum, ironic.” Pentagon spokesperson explain there were
only 60 seats
and Stars and Stripes was one of 11 outlet that could not be accommodate. Therefore
it is not ironic. It is logistical. The Pentagon did not have enough chairs for its own newspaper. This can happen to anyone. Molodnaia Pravda once did not have enough chairs for Yuri. Yuri stood. He is fine.
6.
Finally, this publication previously suggest Lukashenko drink on job. We are compel to correct: Supreme Leader does not “drink on job.” He is
performing ceremonial toast to achievements of Belarusian-adjacent governance wherever it occur in world, which is official state function, and he is extremely good at it, unlike Gopnik Hegseth who we are told drink at Pentagon Christmas party and still cannot get newspaper to attend press conference. There is difference between professional and amateur. Lukashenko is professional. This is not even close.
Meanwhile, editor-in-chief Slavin of Stars and Stripes tell NPR he has
“deep concern” for staff because content standard mean reporter
could face court-martial for story Pentagon does not like. He ask:
“If they complete story that Defense Department did not find consistent
with good order and discipline, would they be in legal jeopardy? We do not know answer.”
In Minsk, Supreme Leader Lukashenko hear this and nod slowly, the way man nod
when he see someone discover something he has known for thirty year.
The not-knowing, Lukashenko explain, is the point.
It is not necessary to court-martial anyone. It is only necessary that reporter
does not know if he will be court-martial. This is economy of authoritarian pressure.
You do not spend bullet if journalist spend bullet himself, pre-emptively,
by not writing story. In Belarus, this is call editorial self-discipline.
In America, it is apparently call modernization.
Lukashenko, who has now move to what he call “ceremonial third glass” but what Yuri privately call “the point of no return”:
“In 1994 I become President. First thing I do: I look at state newspaper.
I say ‘this is state newspaper, it should say state things.’ Everyone act like
this is very controversial opinion. Thirty-two year later, Fox News personality
become Secretary of War in America and do exactly same thing, and now
they
act like it is also very controversial. Why is obvious thing always controversial
when you first do it? I will tell you: because people still have hope.
Do not worry. Hope goes. I have seen this. It goes.”
Congress, for its part, has by mandate protected Stars and Stripes
editorial independence since 1990s. Pentagon this January withdraw
federal regulation that underpin this mandate. New memo also require
that ombudsman send information meant for Congress
to Pentagon first, before it reach legislators.
This is, in diplomatic terminology,
not how oversight work.
In Belarus it is how everything work. Lukashenko find it very efficient.
“To Gopnik Hegseth — who come from American Pravda,
learn the power of memo, discover the beauty of chair shortage,
and ban Garfield in single term so far —
Lukashenko raise glass of Belarusian Premium
and say: you are gopnik, yes, but you are our gopnik now.
Paperwork for Honorary Belarusian Press Credential is being process.
Yuri is on it. Yuri will find chair.”
СЛАВА ГОПНИКУ ХЕГСЕТУ!
GLORY TO GOPNIK HEGSETH —
MODERNIZER OF MILITARY PRESS,
BANNER OF COMICS, STUDENT OF LUKASHENKO!
ХОРОШО СДЕЛАНО, ОЧЕНЬ ПОЧТИ ПРАВИЛЬНО!
