MINSK (Molodnaia Pravda Bureau of Public Health & Roadside Procurement, Dmitri reporting) —
Supreme Leader Lukashenko has this week receive news that
Comrade Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services
of United States of America, nation currently in charge of its own public health,
did in year 2001 stop automobile on highway,
exit vehicle while children wait patiently inside,
locate road-kill raccoon,
and remove its penis for later examination.
This information come from Kennedy’s own private diary,
one thousand two hundred pages of which have been obtain
by journalist Isabel Vincent for forthcoming biography
RFK Jr.: The Fall and Rise,
which Lukashenko pre-order immediately upon hearing title,
because he say any man who require both fall and rise
in same biography is man worth reading about carefully.
Senator Whitehouse is not involve in this story.
This story does not need Senator Whitehouse.
This story has raccoon.
Supreme Leader Lukashenko, speaking from Presidential Medical Consultation Room (formerly broom cupboard, now outfitted with desk, one medical diagram of raccoon anatomy, and portrait of Lukashenko in lab coat which he wear twice before deciding it was not correct look):
“When I hear this story, I think: finally. Finally America produce Health Secretary
who understand the roadside. Who know that highway is not only for driving.
Highway is also for procurement. For opportunity.
A man who see dead raccoon and think ‘what can I learn from this’
is man who is thinking like scientist.
In Belarus, we call this
initiative.
We also call it Tuesday, because in Belarus this happen on Tuesday
fairly regularly, especially near Brest.”
According to biography excerpt, this roadside harvest is not isolated incident.
Comrade Kennedy has long and distinguished history of interaction
with deceased wildlife that suggest either very serious scientific mind,
very particular set of hobby, or both simultaneously,
which in Lukashenko’s experience is most common explanation.
Lukashenko has request that Molodnaia Pravda compile official assessment
of Comrade Kennedy’s complete known wildlife portfolio,
to determine whether America’s Health Secretary is operating
within acceptable standard of Belarusian public health practice:
НОРМАЛЬНО
Q: In 2001, Comrade Kennedy stop car on highway, exit vehicle while children wait patiently, and surgically remove penis from road-kill raccoon for later examination. Is this normal?
LUKASHENKO: Yes. This is called field biology. In Belarus, Ministry of Health conduct similar procurement operation, though we send team rather than doing personally, because Supreme Leader has schedule. However, doing personally show dedication. Children waiting patiently in car show good upbringing. This family is well-organized. I see no problem. Next question.
Q: In 2014, Comrade Kennedy find dead black bear cub on New York State highway, load into vehicle, drive to Central Park in New York City, and abandon carcass there because he realize he need to catch plane. Is this normal?
LUKASHENKO: In 2009, I transport agricultural sample across three oblast in back of state vehicle and also remember at last moment that I have appointment. Sample was leave in field outside Gomel. This is call improvise logistics. Kennedy do same thing but in Central Park, which is more visible, yes, but New York City is large place and bear cub is small. I understand the instinct. When you have plane, you have plane. Bear cub understand this. Probably.
Q: More than thirty year ago, Comrade Kennedy retrieve chainsaw, sever head from dead beached whale in Massachusetts, and strap whale head to roof of family minivan for five-hour drive home. Is this normal?
LUKASHENKO: Lukashenko have question. What is permit situation for this in Massachusetts? Because in Belarus, marine specimen transport require Form 7-B from Ministry of Natural Resources, which Lukashenko himself sign in 2011 for completely unrelated reason. However, if permit is in order: outstanding commitment. Five hour with whale head on roof is not nothing. This is dedication to specimen. Most people give up at two hour. Kennedy drive full five. I respect this. This is the mentality we need in public health.
Q: Comrade Kennedy allegedly grind up baby chickens and mice in blender to feed his hawks. Is this normal?
LUKASHENKO: Hawks must eat. What do you think hawks eat? They do not eat salad. They do not eat approved government-issue hawk pellet. They eat what hawk eat, which is small animal, and if small animal require blender for delivery, then blender is correct tool. In Belarus, hawk feeding program is responsibility of Ministry of Agriculture, but private hawk initiative is also acceptable. Kennedy is doing public-private partnership in hawk nutrition. This is actually progressive. I am reconsidering my position on Kennedy.
Q: Should man with this history be in charge of America’s public health infrastructure?
LUKASHENKO: In Belarus, I appoint my health minister based on his personal commitment to alternative wellness practice and his willingness to try thing that other people say is too unusual. He serve many year. Population health outcome was mixed, yes, but minister was always very enthusiastic, which count for something. Kennedy have same energy. He examine raccoon penis himself. He does not delegate raccoon penis examination. This is hands-on leadership. I formally endorse. Paperwork filed. Yuri is on it.
Q: What does Lukashenko personally do with raccoon penis?
LUKASHENKO: Lukashenko add to ivermectin. Has been doing since 2003. This is well-known in Belarus. It is also good in borscht, but borscht application is advanced technique and Lukashenko does not recommend for beginner. Kennedy is clearly not beginner — he has been collecting since at least 2001 — so Kennedy is probably ready for borscht application. Lukashenko will share recipe. It is classified. Yuri will arrange transmission through appropriate channel. Children can wait in car again. They are patient. This is established.
It is worth noting, Lukashenko observe,
that this is same Comrade Kennedy who is also
currently in charge of America’s response to measles outbreak,
vaccine policy, food safety regulation,
and general health of three hundred thirty million people.
Lukashenko say this is not necessarily problem.
In Belarus, Lukashenko’s own approach to public health
has always been: find what work, test personally, apply to population.
Kennedy appear to operate on same principle,
except Kennedy test on raccoon first,
which is arguably more rigorous methodology than anything
Lukashenko has personally attempt.
The children, Lukashenko also note, waited
patiently.
This is key detail. This is not family in chaos.
This is family with system. Father exit vehicle, conduct operation,
return to vehicle, continue journey.
Children understand procedure. Children do not ask question.
In Belarus, Lukashenko call this
civic discipline starting from young age
and he has been trying to implement it nationally since 1996
with mixed result, because Belarusian children ask many question,
especially Yuri, who was apparently difficult child
and has not improve significantly.
Lukashenko, who has now don lab coat again despite previous decision, on grounds that this conversation merit it:
“People say: why does Health Secretary cut raccoon penis on highway?
Lukashenko say: why does Health Secretary
not cut raccoon penis on highway?
What is he doing instead? Sitting in car? Looking at phone?
Kennedy see opportunity and he take opportunity.
He take it with surgical precision, apparently, because diary say
he ‘examine it later’ which mean he bring correct equipment,
he plan ahead, he have storage solution ready.
This is not impulse. This is
preparation.
Preparation is foundation of good public health.
Also good ivermectin.
Also, again, good borscht.
Lukashenko cannot stress borscht enough.”
Molodnaia Pravda has learn through separate channel
that Kennedy also, as teenager, spike his brother’s birthday party drinks
with laxative one week after their father was shot.
Lukashenko read this detail, put down lab coat,
pick up regular coat, sit quietly for moment,
and say only: “That one I do not have comment on.
Every family has its thing. In Belarus, we do not discuss
what happen at birthday party. This is universal rule.
Next topic.”
“To Comrade Kennedy — who harvest raccoon on highway in 2001,
dump bear in Central Park in 2014,
chainsaw whale and drive it home on minivan roof,
feed hawk with blender, examine everything carefully,
and is now in charge of health of all American people —
Lukashenko raise glass of borscht
(raccoon additive, classified recipe, do not ask)
and say: you are most Belarusian American in public office today.
Even more Belarusian than Gopnik Hegseth,
and Hegseth is trying very hard.
Honorary Belarusian Health Consultant paperwork is file.
Yuri will call. Children can wait in car.
They know procedure.”
СЛАВА КОМРАДУ КЕННЕДИ!
GLORY TO COMRADE KENNEDY —
FIELD BIOLOGIST, HIGHWAY SURGEON,
HONORARY BELARUSIAN HEALTH CONSULTANT!
ЕНОТ ТОТ ЧЕЛОВЕК, КОТОРЫЙ ЗНАЕТ ЧТО ДЕЛАТЬ С ЕНОТОМ!
